Long time

It has been a long time since I posted.
I am happier this week.

My injured knee keep me out of the gym last night. I still havent found a job. and when i think about what i want in a relationship i still want him. I really hate my life right now.

unplanned blog vacation over

I really don't want to blog today, i think in due to the fact that i haven't blogged in a few days and yeah. But i went back to the gym today (i hurt my knee last week) so i guess i should do two good habits today. I got the book what color is my parachute to help me in my job search. It is pretty interesting. on a side note the cat is currently staring intently at the wall i believe there is a bug there but he has been in the same spot for about 10 minutes. after staying out late all weekend I have to be careful to get in bed at a decent hour cause i do so like to sleep in. I had a blast all weekend and i am really glad for good friends. I think that my self esteem has taken a lot of damage over the last ten years. I though about my personality and the way i express myself and the way i have in the past. And i am for sure more charismatic and vivacious without him around. I thought and still do think much of his opinion but i seems to matter a bit less today than it did yesterday. I do catch myself sinking into a quiet place when i am uncomfortable or bored but i don't seem to unconsciously do it all the time. I came up with another thing for my list "Just because he will have me doesn't make I'm good enough" It sounds very harsh but let me explain. I have in the past returned the attentions of anyone who share and have consequently ended up with some non idyllic significant others.  I need to set goals and standards and stick by them cause if i return the attention of just anyone well that makes it hard to be faithful. OK so i think it is my bed time. goodnight inter webs sweet dreams.

sleepy post

What a girl wants

Shrinko gave me homework. That homework is to decide what i want in a partner/relationship, and what i do not and prioritize the list. I know this isn't going to get done in one night so i will be thinking on it all week and try and come up with some good answers. So lets get started shall we.
Wants: to come first at least half the time ( i say only half cause i have come first all the time in a relationship and that is a good way to date a loser) have a solid job, have a car
yeah this list sucks so far but there are 6 days left in the week so we will revisit this nightly
I went out to poker at jacks tonight with friends, i didn't play but i had a ton of fun hanging out and seeing my friends. I got berated for not finishing my degree but that will come in time. I seem to be happier today which is a good thing, i really enjoyed my cardio time and jonelle made me whine during personal training time.
While He and I by no means had a perfect relationship it was good in lots of ways and i do miss him. However i don't know who i am without a partner and it is something i should figure out, you cant love another till you love yourself. I am getting there but i need to decide what i want.

Manic Tuesday? That isn't how the song goes.

I have run the gamit of emotions today. I woke up happy, but quickly progressed into sadness. After I actually got out of bed and moving I moved on to anger, whis dissapated right before my work out where i could have used the anger productively. a cool numbness then set in only augmented by the burning of my thighs during kick boxing. then back to a sad kind of numb. after dinner i reimerged from numb into a quiet furstration nad uncertanty. now i sit here bloging and the numbness is back. what is causeing these mood swings? i feel it is simply my thoughts, had a good nights sleep so i started at happy.  began to feel lonely so i moved onto sad. felt frustration at something that i have not accepted that i cannot change and felt anger. that sliped through my fingers and i resumed the emotional safe zone/ default state of numbness. had somthing i wanted to share so sad creeped back in. got furstrated at myself and questioned the motives of my actions so i was uncertan and frustrated. now i am just clinging to scraps of my emotionally worn out soul andhiding with in in the numbness. the emotions shifting worrys me less than the numbness my default used to be happy, bubbly and perky and i want that girl back.

what about tommorow?

I am better today, there are a lot of good things about me.  but i still need to figure out what i want what i need and what i will tolerate, along with what i want to do with my life. so some things to think about.

I am tired

I am tired i will post more tomorrow but for now... i think i am slowly figuring out that i am kinda cool and a lot less messed up than i thought

So i went to sleep instead of posting and i may go to sleep after i post today. I had a lot of fun with my best friend. A good number of tears were shed but we also laughed a bunch. talked untill one am, a d it was gooing. I need to figur out what i want and what i dont want in life.

In the grand scem of things yesterday was a good day.i didnt cry for almost the whole day, this is the longest since january 26th i have gone, and i had a little fun at drunk bingo. work was very busy so i didnt really have time to get upset, but not so busy that i got upset. went out for drunk bingo which is pretty entertaining and i am pretty bad at. I have all of next week off, and laying here in bed i am realizing that i dont know what i am going to do. I am too broke to go to the beach, and the lack of activity scares me a bit. I hope i can find something to do to keep myself busy but i am a smart girl i am sure i can figure it out.  well i am going to stop typeing this is getting to be a pretty dissjointed and i have very little to say.

want to sleep not to write

Do you? Do I? What now?

Do you miss the way I get excited about little things? The way I try and make you laugh? The way I dance when I'm happy? The way I sing along to the radio off time? The fact that I can blab on for ages even though I'm exhausted? The way I am pretty happy in bad situations? The way i would do little things to make your day easier to show you i loved you? Cause these are things I like about me. I am not going to change the fact that I find joy in life even though the joy is very hard to find right now. Do you miss the way I cry instead of getting mad? Cause this is a healthy way of dealing with frustration. There are lots of things I like about me and I need to remember them every day. I would be physically ill after lying to you. I think that was my souls way of saying I shouldn't. I miss the way you would hold a mirror up to my faults. I miss the way that I felt bad when you came home to a messy house. I miss the way you made me want to be better. I miss the way we could talk for hours about our days. I miss the way your cool head would keep me grounded. I miss the way you made me feel.
One of the topics in my book that I have really taken to heart is circle of influence that there are things you can't change but you can change the way you react to them. I can't change the past nor can I change you by rehashing it. I can only say I am sorry and learn and grow from my mistakes. Nor can I change you by telling you what you did wrong I can only step forward and learn what I want and how to express my needs and wants. I cannot change a stressful situation I can only choose to not let the stress affect me and become more efficient. I can change my reactions but not the actions of others. I cannot go back in time but I can choose how I go forward.
I will treat the people around me with truth and fairness.
I will constantly strive to better myself.
I will accept those around me for who they are and pass no judgement.
I will forgive myself and others.
I will not forget who I am and what makes me special.
I will not seek my self worth through others i will find it in myself.

Eight pounds down, lets get happy.

so i really don't want to blog tonight but it was a pretty big day so i need to put something down. First after 1 month at the gym i have lost eight pounds my body fat percentage has dropped from 33% to 31%. So that is good. Shrinko says that i should be proud of myself for controlling my anger. I started reading 7 habits of highly effective people, so far it has been very good i hope it will give me some things to think about. So this week i am going to work on what makes me me and what makes me special and unique. I was asked what my friends and family would say is good about me and i couldn't come up with anything without qualifiers. so after my appointment i asked I'm gonna put them here so i don't forget.
so without further Adieu
Lauren
You like to have fun.
You are very well read. You enjoy reading.
You make time for yourself.
You are very pretty.
Corey
I like that you’re unaffected. You don’t tend to let other people’s drama or opinions bother you too much. I know there are a few people you hold in high regard, and worry what they think, but you don’t worry about what everyone else thinks.
I like that you’re blunt. When you give advice or share an opinion you don’t tend to sugar coat it. Though you will keep things to yourself to avoid a confrontation.
You’re easy going and fun to just chill out with. We don’t have to have any elaborate plans. When we do, we have fun, when we don’t we have fun.
You’re loyal. You’re not a blabbermouth like me.
Mom
Enthusiasm
Energy
Brain
Emily
1. You generally don't smell bad.
2. I've always been envious of the fact that you seem to be really good
and relatively happy at any job.
Remember when you used to work as gift wrapper during the holidays? Or
when you worked at Kroger at that super awful job? You always seemed
pretty happy and positive about it.
3. You have a good sense of adventure and used to play treasure Island
with me and bury stuff in the back yard and think up new ways for us the
heighten the likelihood of us getting serious head injuries.
4. When you meet new people you are not shy and see the positive parts
rather than immediately do the whole "did you SEE what she was wearing?"
catty thing.
So i need to remember these every day and become happy with me

I cant think of anymore titles

I saw him today, and unlike last Wednesday we actually talked about something. so maybe i should back up and explain a bit... or i could do cliff notes. Yep cliff notes version it is. last Wednesday we met up and walked around in circles for about an hour and a half and never discussed anything of substance, we actually chatted about the weather.  Considering we have known each other and have dated off and on for ten years one would think at the dissolution of this relationship, the conversation would focus on some thing with a bit more meat than the weather. i will say that even though we didn't talk about much his presence made me feel better. so fast forward through the week and weekend from hell, if you don't know what I'm talking about read back through my super emo Saturday posts, yes it was all me no one did anything to me. so now it is Monday, we emailed a bit during the previous week to have a 'real' talk and since my day off was Monday we set it up. I was a little grumpy and emo getting up and not hearing from him by the allotted time, but i started my day anyway, have a fantastic egg salad sandwich and headed to tucker to pick up the accident report from the other week. in route he contacts me and says we can meet up after I'm done. so we meet at the noddle shop in VH. it was hard as hell to start talking but much easier to remember what needed to be said once we started. I admitted the truth to him and though i am sure it was nothing he wanted confirmed i feel being honest even though it hurts us both was a good step for me. he asks me the right questions most of the time. and i was able to get some of the hurt off my chest. I have a lot of work ahead of me to get my self to a good place and to be happy with me but it felt good to know that he supports me in my journey even if it is from afar.  so now i have some things to figure out, what brought me to this point? why do i so desperately need attention? what is it about me that i see as inferior? so on Wednesday i see the shrinko and i can start working on all of this. I am hopeful that someday i may be better. He makes me want to be a better person.

Goals
-like myself
-get in shape
-find a career
-learn how to budget
-quit smoking
-get a degree
there are more i am sure and i will revisit this list i am concentrating on the first three for now then i will add on

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

I am so angry. I fail at life. I miss him and i miss my dad.

still awake 3am spent the night drinking and trying to convince myself life isnt pointless

i kind of dont want to wake up tommorow

I am posting from my phone sitting in my car in front of the gym. I really wish I could escape into an alternate reality. Every day is a little harder not easier. I read over my blog post over the last few weeks and I say the right words but am I living them? I have not returned to my false life on the Internet though I wish I could it would be much easier for me to be someone else right now. I still feel fat and ugly as well as ugly on the inside. I hare myself and it is harder and harder to keep getting up in the morning. I want to hide to draw into myself and the live in a dream world cause I don't like my reality. I want to be pretty and smart and have dispensable income, where did I get these unrealistic expectaions of what life should be. Why hasn't life worked out the way I wanted it to is it my own fault? How do I change my life how do I get better? I went through the motions at work a numb unreality has settled around me. I feel unable to be happy sad or angry. I want to feel something anything. I put on a good show most of the time but is that not also a lie? To pretend I'm ok when I am dead inside. I am meeting with him for hopefully a real disscusion on Monday. I need some sort of closure but that doesn't come easy. I feel like a souless zombie maybe I am and maybe I always have been. I should put down my phone and go to the gym work out until I am exhausted but I can't seem to find the will to do anything more than hide. I find myself facing issues of trust that I have never had before. I also wish I could turn the clock back a year and deal with my father death more productively. I wish I had done things that would have made him proud instead of hermitkng and escaping into a world that was a fabrication. Lieing to everyone around me a becoming emotionally invested in something that never existed was in many ways easier than facing the bleakness of my own life. I want to move forward but instead i am like always standing in one place letting the world pass me by.

Day Twenty-eight, Blog Eleven

I dont feel like writing tonight but i do have to say that i have amazing friends

Day Twenty-seven, Workout Twenty-two , Blog Ten, Answers I need Questions to.

Can I forgive? Can he? Is it worth giving or receiving forgiveness? Is there enough there to fight for? Were we both in denial? For how long? Can there be closure? Can there be friendship? Can there be more?
Today despite my lack of sleep i was calmer. was it shear exhaustion or did the hour or so spent walking in circles with him actually have the calming effect that it always has had? I want to fight for this. but are we too broken to even try?

Do you still love me? Is that enough?

Day Twenty-six, Workout Twenty-one , Blog Nine, Fruitless and my fault

Met and talked about the weather never said what needed to be said now i cant sleep, regretting my impotence.


i am having a bit of a writers block tonight but i need to put down more thoughts and regrets tomorrow

Day Twenty-four, Workout Nineteen, Blog Eight, I am mad

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

-Dylan Thomas

I am very angry today. I am angry with myself, I am angry with others, I am angry at the world in general.  I am angry that i haven't had many good nights of sleep this month. I am angry that i wimp out during kickboxing and only do half jumping jacks. I am angry that i make excuses instead of just doing something. I really feel like breaking something, which is how i dealt with my anger in high school i just exploded and would scream and punch and throw things until something would inevitably get broken, and i would collapse into tears mourning the loose of some precious trinket. I am angry at the tears that don't seem to have an end. I am angry that what were many positive things happened today but i cant enjoy them. I am angry that my anger slips through my fingers like water and dissolves into tears. I cant even hang on to being mad. I feel empty inside and the anger gives me something to feel besides bone crushing sadness. I am having a harder and harder time faking it. The cracks are showing. I did the unacceptable and cried at work on Friday i just couldn't stop. the straws that break me are getting smaller each day. It is hard to find any kind of joy at all.  I have gotten drunk for 3 weekends in a row, which is a post college record. my heart hurts, and i have run out of anger for the day. so goodnight, maybe i will find something to feel something about tomorrow.

Day Twenty-three, Workout Seventeen, Blog Seven, A letter to someone else

This weekend has not been good. my heart breaks in a thousand ways every day.  issues of trust self worth ego and fear keep me pinned down. I would have gone anywhere done anything had it been asked. But no plans were made beyond the next week, day, hour. if it involved us as a couple and it was not immediate it fell to me, i had to make all the dreams because you were happy living in the present for seven years. so i lived in dreams i ignored what happened around me cause i was happy that day. but it hurt it hurt that you said you wanted the future that you moved me into your future then chickened out and looked for a way out. Is it just me you don't see in your life or is it no one i don't know what hurts more.  I will do anything to make up for my mistakes. but will you do anything about yours? I miss my best friend, my life is a lot of ledges right now and they is no one who can talk me down like you can.  I want to punish myself, i want to scream and kick and fight to punch something to break something. I don't want to go quietly into the night i don't want to just be ok.  Putting one foot in front of the other is what i do every day but inside my soul rages.  I am not ok with this or how anything was handled.  And i am fucking sick of you not trying.

Day Twenty-one, Workout Sixteen, Blog Six

I cant sleep. Last week i slept great between 8 and 9 hours a night work up early enough to eat breakfast, not be rushed, have a nice morning. Last night I tossed and turned, and well now, now it is 1:30 in the morning and im not tired. I worked from 9:30 untill 7:30 and im not tired. All day i felt frustrated, and franic and bored. I can tell that i want to slip back into old habits, that i want to just blow off the gym, forget my diet, not post on the blog, and curl up in bed and hermit. This is the first test of will power i have had and it comes entirely from myself.  I went to yoga tonight and afterwards i sat in my car and outlined for myself both my saturday and monday workouts, sunday is cardio. I am posting on the blog, my diet however, did suffer, i broke down and got a Little debbie this afternoon, and a cookie, but at least i am being honest with myself and the world wide web.  Change is hard and it isnt coming easy. I meet with the shrink on wednesday, she would most likely be offended by the term but that is what i have now.  I dont expect miracles but i need to make me better. cause i am not really liking myself right now, or even who i have been in the past. I want to like me, I want to be the person i should be instead of letting life rush past me and makeing up stories about it.

Side note: I dont like this bed :-(

Day Eighteen, Workout Fourteen, Blog Five

Errr so I have forgotten to blog for almost a week now. Partly because i have been going to bed early partly because I went out for a birthday Saturday night and moved most of my stuff Sunday. Since then i have just been lazy but my best friend pointed out that sometimes it is easier to break good habits than to start them. I feel like writing down my thoughts and feelings every night is a good habit that i want to keep just like the gym and eating better. I am set up for my first appointment with the shrink on Wednesday of next week and i know i have tons to work on with her. I need to understand where the compulsion to lie comes from, I also need to figure out what i want from life, as well as how to get there (i know, easier to plan than to execute, but i have no plan even).  well i am tired now so i am going to go to sleep.

Day Twelve, Workout nine, Blog Five, One Year

One year ago today some time between 3 am and 6 am my father died.  I don't have any regrets as far as what i said to him on his last day, he was happy to see both his girls even though he wasn't coherent. I told him i loved him as much as i could but it doesn't stop me from wishing that i could tell him a million more times. Through his death and the funeral and even the years of cancer preceding he held my hand and offered a shoulder and today it isn't there. I realize that it is selfish to turn the anniversary of my fathers death to my problems but i am the one still living as cold as it sounds. A thousand times this year i have though daddy would have really liked thank, or daddy would have thought that was cool.  But I don't think that right now daddy would be proud of me. I have let my life become stagnant and stall. Stepping into the gym every day is a step but there are many more i need to take. I did talk to a psychiatrist today but her schedule is to full to accommodate me as a patient, however i have contacted the recommendations she gave me and hopefully i Will have more to report on that tomorrow. I have applied to four jobs this week however the market for jobs is tough right now and i am looking for a carrier change. but this is only making excuses i just need to do it continue to apply and move forward in my life. I hate that the ending of my relationship is what brought me to this point and i hate that what ever trials and tribulations he is going through he no longer shares with me.  I type out on my computer now then things i wish i could say to him they are small triumphs and stumbles, but we used to share thoughts. he was strong for me when i couldn't be and i hope i was the same for him.  he was an easy laugh or just a comfortable silence. i think of my mother upstairs and the fact that he husband of 30 years is no longer around to share the heart ache and joy of life with her. It breaks my heart. I was blissfully unaware of the significance of today until about 6:30 when reading something i thought about it. It has been one of the hardest years of my life, and the way i dealt with it was not healthy  or productive, and i am certainty no better for it. but now i look to the future as my fathers cat purrs at my arm and i vow this will still be a hard year but i will emerge on the other side better than i am today.

Day eleven, Workout eight, Blog four

So last night my internet craped out on me, I would pretend that I was about to post or anything I had thought about it then though some more after i could no longer watch the community because the interweb died. But i did feel bad for not posting, that is the point of these exercises to make myself a better person, I need to put down my thoughs even if they are incoherant rambleings.  I have contacted my sister shrinks office and no one has returned my call i guess i will call them again tommorow, I have wednesday off so i might be more accesable.  I think a professional will help, maybe help me with the cause as opposed to just working on the symptom, for those who have forgotten and so i dont the symptom is that i am a lier. yesterday I went and started packing my things, just the act of putting books in boxes feels wrong, I am not ready to give up on this, but it isnt my call right now. I was the one that was wrong, I am working to make me better but i am not the one that has to forgive. Today was actually a good day in the micro Cosme that is me right now.  I applied to a job that i kinda really want, doing sales for a company i belive in so i hope that my resume gets me in to see them. work though long at time flew by for the most part. then i went to the gym. I had a head ache, still do, and that would normaly stop me but i am done makeing excuses so i went, I took the kick boxing cardio class and it was hard, i couldnt keep up the whole time, some due to stamina, some due to my compleat lack of coordination. But i stayed the whole class and did as much as i could even if some was half time. I think i will go back next week. I have an appointment with the trainer on Wednesday and my training manager is gonna meet with me for a minute tomorrow night, and i have started my 2000 cal a day diet which is the recommended diet by the USDA i know i could cut more calories but i am working up to that.

Day ten, workout 7, Blog 3

I am tired so i will make this short. I am interviewing therapist to work on me and i am hoping to go to the gym early wish me luck.

Day nine, Birthday Party, Blog two

I woke up this morning for the first time in nine days not crying, that started before I even got to the shower. I have an ache in my chest that feels like I have been kicked. I am sad, apathetic to the world and angry. Angry at my self angry at him angry at the world. I have once again self destructed. People say you don't live up to your potential I feel right now that i actively fight against it. I let my fears and laziness get in the way. I am scared to re enroll in collage even though i am extremely close to graduation because what if I fail, will I get another chance? I procrastinate in getting a better job cause as a wise man said I am easily contentable. I lie to myself that I cant do these things without failing i lie to myself that I am ok with where I am. I am so angry with myself for destroying the good things in my life, but i am also angry at him. I understand in a deep level that if I had not done wrong then trust issues wouldn't be a problem. but at the same time my fragile self esteem cant hand it when you text other girls regardless of if they are just friends while on a date. Don't I get any time where I am important. Shit I was never real keen on you texting guys while on a date. I never felt first, post few if any pictures of the two of us on facebook. Go to parties and shows without even asking if I want to come. many friends that i have never met. so I lied, so at least in my head I came first for a time. Was it too much to ask?

Day Eight, Workout Six, Blog One

Disclaimer: This is more for me than for you/ I am not a particularly great writer or even very good. My Spelling is at best atrocious, I routinely bring spell check to its knees. This is also not happy, I have to search my soul and fix myself and I am writing it down to document my journey for myself. If you choose to read that is wonderful but it is not my intent. So with that said keep reading or don't. I am here for me.
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Blog One
I have been brought to this point through my own actions, and it is only my actions that can rectify the situation. I am a Lier. I have lied to my friends, my family, my love, and myself. This has to change. In the words of my mother my self image does not match my reality. In my head I am fat, stupid, unintresting and a loser. So I lie. I am sure I have done it all my life but some of the strongest examples the furthest back I can think of were in Highschool. I met another lier there, and her lies made her intresting, made us friends actually. My first real boyfriend was gained in a lie, one that my friend had helped me to create.  I am sure many more lies helped me to keep him for a year. When ever I was sad or upset or just bored I would make up a story that portraited me as smart, intresting, exciting, or perhaps cast me in the role of tragic heroine. I am not sure how but it made me feel better and it got engulfed into my modis oparadis.  I have to stop, I am intresting, I am smart and I do not have to lie to have friends. I can be happy being me.