I am posting from my phone sitting in my car in front of the gym. I really wish I could escape into an alternate reality. Every day is a little harder not easier. I read over my blog post over the last few weeks and I say the right words but am I living them? I have not returned to my false life on the Internet though I wish I could it would be much easier for me to be someone else right now. I still feel fat and ugly as well as ugly on the inside. I hare myself and it is harder and harder to keep getting up in the morning. I want to hide to draw into myself and the live in a dream world cause I don't like my reality. I want to be pretty and smart and have dispensable income, where did I get these unrealistic expectaions of what life should be. Why hasn't life worked out the way I wanted it to is it my own fault? How do I change my life how do I get better? I went through the motions at work a numb unreality has settled around me. I feel unable to be happy sad or angry. I want to feel something anything. I put on a good show most of the time but is that not also a lie? To pretend I'm ok when I am dead inside. I am meeting with him for hopefully a real disscusion on Monday. I need some sort of closure but that doesn't come easy. I feel like a souless zombie maybe I am and maybe I always have been. I should put down my phone and go to the gym work out until I am exhausted but I can't seem to find the will to do anything more than hide. I find myself facing issues of trust that I have never had before. I also wish I could turn the clock back a year and deal with my father death more productively. I wish I had done things that would have made him proud instead of hermitkng and escaping into a world that was a fabrication. Lieing to everyone around me a becoming emotionally invested in something that never existed was in many ways easier than facing the bleakness of my own life. I want to move forward but instead i am like always standing in one place letting the world pass me by.