Day Twelve, Workout nine, Blog Five, One Year

One year ago today some time between 3 am and 6 am my father died.  I don't have any regrets as far as what i said to him on his last day, he was happy to see both his girls even though he wasn't coherent. I told him i loved him as much as i could but it doesn't stop me from wishing that i could tell him a million more times. Through his death and the funeral and even the years of cancer preceding he held my hand and offered a shoulder and today it isn't there. I realize that it is selfish to turn the anniversary of my fathers death to my problems but i am the one still living as cold as it sounds. A thousand times this year i have though daddy would have really liked thank, or daddy would have thought that was cool.  But I don't think that right now daddy would be proud of me. I have let my life become stagnant and stall. Stepping into the gym every day is a step but there are many more i need to take. I did talk to a psychiatrist today but her schedule is to full to accommodate me as a patient, however i have contacted the recommendations she gave me and hopefully i Will have more to report on that tomorrow. I have applied to four jobs this week however the market for jobs is tough right now and i am looking for a carrier change. but this is only making excuses i just need to do it continue to apply and move forward in my life. I hate that the ending of my relationship is what brought me to this point and i hate that what ever trials and tribulations he is going through he no longer shares with me.  I type out on my computer now then things i wish i could say to him they are small triumphs and stumbles, but we used to share thoughts. he was strong for me when i couldn't be and i hope i was the same for him.  he was an easy laugh or just a comfortable silence. i think of my mother upstairs and the fact that he husband of 30 years is no longer around to share the heart ache and joy of life with her. It breaks my heart. I was blissfully unaware of the significance of today until about 6:30 when reading something i thought about it. It has been one of the hardest years of my life, and the way i dealt with it was not healthy  or productive, and i am certainty no better for it. but now i look to the future as my fathers cat purrs at my arm and i vow this will still be a hard year but i will emerge on the other side better than i am today.