Day nine, Birthday Party, Blog two

I woke up this morning for the first time in nine days not crying, that started before I even got to the shower. I have an ache in my chest that feels like I have been kicked. I am sad, apathetic to the world and angry. Angry at my self angry at him angry at the world. I have once again self destructed. People say you don't live up to your potential I feel right now that i actively fight against it. I let my fears and laziness get in the way. I am scared to re enroll in collage even though i am extremely close to graduation because what if I fail, will I get another chance? I procrastinate in getting a better job cause as a wise man said I am easily contentable. I lie to myself that I cant do these things without failing i lie to myself that I am ok with where I am. I am so angry with myself for destroying the good things in my life, but i am also angry at him. I understand in a deep level that if I had not done wrong then trust issues wouldn't be a problem. but at the same time my fragile self esteem cant hand it when you text other girls regardless of if they are just friends while on a date. Don't I get any time where I am important. Shit I was never real keen on you texting guys while on a date. I never felt first, post few if any pictures of the two of us on facebook. Go to parties and shows without even asking if I want to come. many friends that i have never met. so I lied, so at least in my head I came first for a time. Was it too much to ask?