Day Twenty-three, Workout Seventeen, Blog Seven, A letter to someone else

This weekend has not been good. my heart breaks in a thousand ways every day.  issues of trust self worth ego and fear keep me pinned down. I would have gone anywhere done anything had it been asked. But no plans were made beyond the next week, day, hour. if it involved us as a couple and it was not immediate it fell to me, i had to make all the dreams because you were happy living in the present for seven years. so i lived in dreams i ignored what happened around me cause i was happy that day. but it hurt it hurt that you said you wanted the future that you moved me into your future then chickened out and looked for a way out. Is it just me you don't see in your life or is it no one i don't know what hurts more.  I will do anything to make up for my mistakes. but will you do anything about yours? I miss my best friend, my life is a lot of ledges right now and they is no one who can talk me down like you can.  I want to punish myself, i want to scream and kick and fight to punch something to break something. I don't want to go quietly into the night i don't want to just be ok.  Putting one foot in front of the other is what i do every day but inside my soul rages.  I am not ok with this or how anything was handled.  And i am fucking sick of you not trying.