Long time

It has been a long time since I posted.
I am happier this week.

My injured knee keep me out of the gym last night. I still havent found a job. and when i think about what i want in a relationship i still want him. I really hate my life right now.

unplanned blog vacation over

I really don't want to blog today, i think in due to the fact that i haven't blogged in a few days and yeah. But i went back to the gym today (i hurt my knee last week) so i guess i should do two good habits today. I got the book what color is my parachute to help me in my job search. It is pretty interesting. on a side note the cat is currently staring intently at the wall i believe there is a bug there but he has been in the same spot for about 10 minutes. after staying out late all weekend I have to be careful to get in bed at a decent hour cause i do so like to sleep in. I had a blast all weekend and i am really glad for good friends. I think that my self esteem has taken a lot of damage over the last ten years. I though about my personality and the way i express myself and the way i have in the past. And i am for sure more charismatic and vivacious without him around. I thought and still do think much of his opinion but i seems to matter a bit less today than it did yesterday. I do catch myself sinking into a quiet place when i am uncomfortable or bored but i don't seem to unconsciously do it all the time. I came up with another thing for my list "Just because he will have me doesn't make I'm good enough" It sounds very harsh but let me explain. I have in the past returned the attentions of anyone who share and have consequently ended up with some non idyllic significant others.  I need to set goals and standards and stick by them cause if i return the attention of just anyone well that makes it hard to be faithful. OK so i think it is my bed time. goodnight inter webs sweet dreams.

sleepy post

What a girl wants

Shrinko gave me homework. That homework is to decide what i want in a partner/relationship, and what i do not and prioritize the list. I know this isn't going to get done in one night so i will be thinking on it all week and try and come up with some good answers. So lets get started shall we.
Wants: to come first at least half the time ( i say only half cause i have come first all the time in a relationship and that is a good way to date a loser) have a solid job, have a car
yeah this list sucks so far but there are 6 days left in the week so we will revisit this nightly
I went out to poker at jacks tonight with friends, i didn't play but i had a ton of fun hanging out and seeing my friends. I got berated for not finishing my degree but that will come in time. I seem to be happier today which is a good thing, i really enjoyed my cardio time and jonelle made me whine during personal training time.
While He and I by no means had a perfect relationship it was good in lots of ways and i do miss him. However i don't know who i am without a partner and it is something i should figure out, you cant love another till you love yourself. I am getting there but i need to decide what i want.

Manic Tuesday? That isn't how the song goes.

I have run the gamit of emotions today. I woke up happy, but quickly progressed into sadness. After I actually got out of bed and moving I moved on to anger, whis dissapated right before my work out where i could have used the anger productively. a cool numbness then set in only augmented by the burning of my thighs during kick boxing. then back to a sad kind of numb. after dinner i reimerged from numb into a quiet furstration nad uncertanty. now i sit here bloging and the numbness is back. what is causeing these mood swings? i feel it is simply my thoughts, had a good nights sleep so i started at happy.  began to feel lonely so i moved onto sad. felt frustration at something that i have not accepted that i cannot change and felt anger. that sliped through my fingers and i resumed the emotional safe zone/ default state of numbness. had somthing i wanted to share so sad creeped back in. got furstrated at myself and questioned the motives of my actions so i was uncertan and frustrated. now i am just clinging to scraps of my emotionally worn out soul andhiding with in in the numbness. the emotions shifting worrys me less than the numbness my default used to be happy, bubbly and perky and i want that girl back.

what about tommorow?

I am better today, there are a lot of good things about me.  but i still need to figure out what i want what i need and what i will tolerate, along with what i want to do with my life. so some things to think about.

I am tired

I am tired i will post more tomorrow but for now... i think i am slowly figuring out that i am kinda cool and a lot less messed up than i thought

So i went to sleep instead of posting and i may go to sleep after i post today. I had a lot of fun with my best friend. A good number of tears were shed but we also laughed a bunch. talked untill one am, a d it was gooing. I need to figur out what i want and what i dont want in life.

In the grand scem of things yesterday was a good day.i didnt cry for almost the whole day, this is the longest since january 26th i have gone, and i had a little fun at drunk bingo. work was very busy so i didnt really have time to get upset, but not so busy that i got upset. went out for drunk bingo which is pretty entertaining and i am pretty bad at. I have all of next week off, and laying here in bed i am realizing that i dont know what i am going to do. I am too broke to go to the beach, and the lack of activity scares me a bit. I hope i can find something to do to keep myself busy but i am a smart girl i am sure i can figure it out.  well i am going to stop typeing this is getting to be a pretty dissjointed and i have very little to say.

want to sleep not to write

Do you? Do I? What now?

Do you miss the way I get excited about little things? The way I try and make you laugh? The way I dance when I'm happy? The way I sing along to the radio off time? The fact that I can blab on for ages even though I'm exhausted? The way I am pretty happy in bad situations? The way i would do little things to make your day easier to show you i loved you? Cause these are things I like about me. I am not going to change the fact that I find joy in life even though the joy is very hard to find right now. Do you miss the way I cry instead of getting mad? Cause this is a healthy way of dealing with frustration. There are lots of things I like about me and I need to remember them every day. I would be physically ill after lying to you. I think that was my souls way of saying I shouldn't. I miss the way you would hold a mirror up to my faults. I miss the way that I felt bad when you came home to a messy house. I miss the way you made me want to be better. I miss the way we could talk for hours about our days. I miss the way your cool head would keep me grounded. I miss the way you made me feel.
One of the topics in my book that I have really taken to heart is circle of influence that there are things you can't change but you can change the way you react to them. I can't change the past nor can I change you by rehashing it. I can only say I am sorry and learn and grow from my mistakes. Nor can I change you by telling you what you did wrong I can only step forward and learn what I want and how to express my needs and wants. I cannot change a stressful situation I can only choose to not let the stress affect me and become more efficient. I can change my reactions but not the actions of others. I cannot go back in time but I can choose how I go forward.
I will treat the people around me with truth and fairness.
I will constantly strive to better myself.
I will accept those around me for who they are and pass no judgement.
I will forgive myself and others.
I will not forget who I am and what makes me special.
I will not seek my self worth through others i will find it in myself.

Eight pounds down, lets get happy.

so i really don't want to blog tonight but it was a pretty big day so i need to put something down. First after 1 month at the gym i have lost eight pounds my body fat percentage has dropped from 33% to 31%. So that is good. Shrinko says that i should be proud of myself for controlling my anger. I started reading 7 habits of highly effective people, so far it has been very good i hope it will give me some things to think about. So this week i am going to work on what makes me me and what makes me special and unique. I was asked what my friends and family would say is good about me and i couldn't come up with anything without qualifiers. so after my appointment i asked I'm gonna put them here so i don't forget.
so without further Adieu
Lauren
You like to have fun.
You are very well read. You enjoy reading.
You make time for yourself.
You are very pretty.
Corey
I like that you’re unaffected. You don’t tend to let other people’s drama or opinions bother you too much. I know there are a few people you hold in high regard, and worry what they think, but you don’t worry about what everyone else thinks.
I like that you’re blunt. When you give advice or share an opinion you don’t tend to sugar coat it. Though you will keep things to yourself to avoid a confrontation.
You’re easy going and fun to just chill out with. We don’t have to have any elaborate plans. When we do, we have fun, when we don’t we have fun.
You’re loyal. You’re not a blabbermouth like me.
Mom
Enthusiasm
Energy
Brain
Emily
1. You generally don't smell bad.
2. I've always been envious of the fact that you seem to be really good
and relatively happy at any job.
Remember when you used to work as gift wrapper during the holidays? Or
when you worked at Kroger at that super awful job? You always seemed
pretty happy and positive about it.
3. You have a good sense of adventure and used to play treasure Island
with me and bury stuff in the back yard and think up new ways for us the
heighten the likelihood of us getting serious head injuries.
4. When you meet new people you are not shy and see the positive parts
rather than immediately do the whole "did you SEE what she was wearing?"
catty thing.
So i need to remember these every day and become happy with me