It has been a long time since I posted.
I am happier this week.
Letter's to Myself
we all have a lot to learn i may have more than most
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Monday, March 14, 2011
unplanned blog vacation over
I really don't want to blog today, i think in due to the fact that i haven't blogged in a few days and yeah. But i went back to the gym today (i hurt my knee last week) so i guess i should do two good habits today. I got the book what color is my parachute to help me in my job search. It is pretty interesting. on a side note the cat is currently staring intently at the wall i believe there is a bug there but he has been in the same spot for about 10 minutes. after staying out late all weekend I have to be careful to get in bed at a decent hour cause i do so like to sleep in. I had a blast all weekend and i am really glad for good friends. I think that my self esteem has taken a lot of damage over the last ten years. I though about my personality and the way i express myself and the way i have in the past. And i am for sure more charismatic and vivacious without him around. I thought and still do think much of his opinion but i seems to matter a bit less today than it did yesterday. I do catch myself sinking into a quiet place when i am uncomfortable or bored but i don't seem to unconsciously do it all the time. I came up with another thing for my list "Just because he will have me doesn't make I'm good enough" It sounds very harsh but let me explain. I have in the past returned the attentions of anyone who share and have consequently ended up with some non idyllic significant others. I need to set goals and standards and stick by them cause if i return the attention of just anyone well that makes it hard to be faithful. OK so i think it is my bed time. goodnight inter webs sweet dreams.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
What a girl wants
Shrinko gave me homework. That homework is to decide what i want in a partner/relationship, and what i do not and prioritize the list. I know this isn't going to get done in one night so i will be thinking on it all week and try and come up with some good answers. So lets get started shall we.
Wants: to come first at least half the time ( i say only half cause i have come first all the time in a relationship and that is a good way to date a loser) have a solid job, have a car
yeah this list sucks so far but there are 6 days left in the week so we will revisit this nightly
I went out to poker at jacks tonight with friends, i didn't play but i had a ton of fun hanging out and seeing my friends. I got berated for not finishing my degree but that will come in time. I seem to be happier today which is a good thing, i really enjoyed my cardio time and jonelle made me whine during personal training time.
While He and I by no means had a perfect relationship it was good in lots of ways and i do miss him. However i don't know who i am without a partner and it is something i should figure out, you cant love another till you love yourself. I am getting there but i need to decide what i want.
Wants: to come first at least half the time ( i say only half cause i have come first all the time in a relationship and that is a good way to date a loser) have a solid job, have a car
yeah this list sucks so far but there are 6 days left in the week so we will revisit this nightly
I went out to poker at jacks tonight with friends, i didn't play but i had a ton of fun hanging out and seeing my friends. I got berated for not finishing my degree but that will come in time. I seem to be happier today which is a good thing, i really enjoyed my cardio time and jonelle made me whine during personal training time.
While He and I by no means had a perfect relationship it was good in lots of ways and i do miss him. However i don't know who i am without a partner and it is something i should figure out, you cant love another till you love yourself. I am getting there but i need to decide what i want.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Manic Tuesday? That isn't how the song goes.
I have run the gamit of emotions today. I woke up happy, but quickly progressed into sadness. After I actually got out of bed and moving I moved on to anger, whis dissapated right before my work out where i could have used the anger productively. a cool numbness then set in only augmented by the burning of my thighs during kick boxing. then back to a sad kind of numb. after dinner i reimerged from numb into a quiet furstration nad uncertanty. now i sit here bloging and the numbness is back. what is causeing these mood swings? i feel it is simply my thoughts, had a good nights sleep so i started at happy. began to feel lonely so i moved onto sad. felt frustration at something that i have not accepted that i cannot change and felt anger. that sliped through my fingers and i resumed the emotional safe zone/ default state of numbness. had somthing i wanted to share so sad creeped back in. got furstrated at myself and questioned the motives of my actions so i was uncertan and frustrated. now i am just clinging to scraps of my emotionally worn out soul andhiding with in in the numbness. the emotions shifting worrys me less than the numbness my default used to be happy, bubbly and perky and i want that girl back.
what about tommorow?
I am better today, there are a lot of good things about me. but i still need to figure out what i want what i need and what i will tolerate, along with what i want to do with my life. so some things to think about.
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